Never Ever, EVER Go Whale Watching.

It started out hopeful - I had won 2 free passes to go catch some whales before they migrate north.  What an extremely romantic and cheap date!  So, I surprised my boyfriend and headed down to the Redondo Pier.  I was told to dress warm because it can get chilly.  So I put on what my boyfriend referred to as "Alaskan hunting gear" and embraced the layer of sweat forming from the 85 degree weather.

Our boat looked like it had seen much better days, and by better days I'm referring to when its wood was a tree.  If whales are as big as they say, one flick of the tale would surely knock us all over, leaving us ready for whatever lies beneath.

"This morning we had a baby whale follow us for over an hour!" Exclaims the excited Captain.  He is almost fifteen years old, I'm certain, but I'm slightly delirious from the dehydration so I can't help but catch his enthusiasm.  And I brought snacks, so I won't get crabby.

4 hours later, NO WHALE.  And somehow I managed to get sunburned on the 3 inches of my body that weren't covered in under armor.

What I did Observe Though...

1.  A seagull pooped on the ship while flying over us.  This was the most photographed event of the day.

2.  Using The Secret to cure seasickness is ineffective.  Oh, and you can be continuously nauseous for 4 hours straight.

3. There are MANY ways to vomit.  Here are a select few I have categorized from my excursion.

ZEN UPCHUCK
It's performed calmly into a CVS or Walgreens plastic bag.  Proceed to act as if nothing just happened.

THE RETCHING CHORUS
When you have the fortune of hearing several extremely vocal pukers go at once

THE YACK ATTACK
When the young girl next to you projectile vomits off the top of the boat right onto someone below.  And as she's told to go to the lower deck to "puke off the side", she continues to vomit-attack completely unaware bystanders while hobbling down the steps.

PROCRASTIN-PUKE
This is the sap who almost gets to the bathroom but just can't hold it in.  A mop, bucket, and surly look from the crew always follow.

THE EARL OF THE HURL
This is the asshole who cannot handle being sick what-so-ever.  This man usually starts a fight with the crew, complete with rampant f-bombs in front of his 17 children.  He threatens the livelihood of the crew, the crew's family, and somehow believes he has the power to turn the boat around, thus inciting an awkward apology over the PA System from the prepubescent Captain.