After three weeks of alternating between puking, abdominal pain, high fever, and watching the FRIENDS finale thrice, I finally decided it was time to check myself into the ER. Sure I had only spent $50 of my $4,000 deductible, but I'd figure a little appendectomy might get me some swanky gifts and I'd finally lose those last 5 pounds.
Five days later....no diagnosis.
What's now being called, "I'm pretty sure this is a virus you contracted in Colombia. Pretty sure. Come in for a follow up in 2 weeks just in case. Everything's fine. It's just...in case." was nothing short of an adventure. Between the daily 5am blood drawings, my IV ceasing to work right before my procedure, and my boyfriend's continued shouts of "this is all for the blog, hun!", I somehow mustered through. And yes, my triumph over a single-celled virus has manifested as another list pertaining to bodily fluids.
Things you Never Want to EVER hear While You're in the Hospital.
1. We're confused. It's just not behaving like anything typical of anything. We don't know what this is.
2. ME (calling room service to order food): "Hi I'm in room 415..."
THEM (evil chefs): "Ah yes, Miss Stegeman, we have you marked for a liquids only diet".
5 Days later...
ME (less chipper): "Hi...I'm...in room 415...starving..."
THEM (evil chefs): "Ah yes, Miss Stegeman, we still have you marked for a liquids only diet. Would you like the vegetable broth again today?"
3. (during my colonoscopy)
DOC: ...no, I've switched OBGYN's. I'm with Dr. Hassel now
NURSE: Oh, yes I heard he's great.
DOC: He is. We're really happy...uh oh, Erin? Oops, I think she's awake.
4. "Hi, I'm here to give you a rectal exam."
Please note, my intent with this photo is to get the same attention/hits/morning show appearances as that incredibly photogenic girl with emphysema and that marathon runner guy.
No one can wear an IV drip like this lady!
ReplyDeleteYou shoulda seen me take that puppy to the bathroom and down the halls. Hot.
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