NEW HOLIDAYS

It's Christmachanuka and then New Years, and then a whole bunch of nothing. Who made this decision? Here are some holiday suggestions to enrich us all:

January 10th Day. Everyone is off for the next 2 weeks. Because honestly, the worst days of my life are Jan 2-spring break (and that’s only if I have a vacation planned).

Feb 5th Fancy Nails Day. Government issued holiday so everyone still gets paid time and a half. But pretty much you are required to have a manicure and then go get cocktails with your friends.

May 1st-Memorial Day Weekend: Must travel to a foreign country you’ve never been to month. Government funded.

Give a Hug to the Hot Man You Work with Day. Recocurring holiday, every Friday. Coinsides with Wear Your Sluttiest Outfit to Work Day (Picture Above). This comes with a comment box to placed on your desk for those wishing to give/receive anonymous commentary. "Best of Comments" list to be read at office Holiday party, which is now required to be on a FRIDAY.

PHRASES I'M CURRENTLY INTO

1. That tickles my fancy. I like that I know when my fancy is being tickled without even knowing what a fancy is

2. He’s a real humdinger. I like that I know he’s a real humdinger (as opposed to the allusive fake humdinger) without even knowing what a humdinger is.

3. That’s truly outrageous! Now, I’ve never personally said this, but once this girl in my 8th grade class named Jill said it about some historical event, and she sounded incredibly intelligent. If I say it, I sound like I’m referencing the 80s cartoon character Jem, and let’s just face it, I am.

4. Let’s just face it. Cuz really I tend to 3/4 my way through life.

Which phrases can't you live without???

General Misunderstandings/ I May Be Going to Hell Because..

Starlight Tan, I always park in your section when I'm actually going to Starbucks. What kind of a tanning salon needs 13 parking spots?

Why is it that hipsters can wear just about anything? Yesterday this wee ironic teeny bopper sat next to me in birkenstocks with calf-high polka dot socks and a hot pink miumiu 7 times her size. I immediately wanted to trade lives with her.

Sometimes I want to steal the laptops of people who ask me to watch theirs for them while they go pee. Just for shits and giggles.

I wish my skills for diagraming sentences could make me millions.