The Business of Being Female

I am coming up to the 4 year anniversary of being assaulted by the owner of a business I briefly worked for. I filed battery charges immediately after the incident and showed up to every court date, unlike my attacker. I did my research and found other victims of his out there, who served as witnesses in my case. There was one point, right in front of me, where he asked the court-appointed moderator if his business was going to receive any penalties for his behavior, to which she replied "no". 

I'll never forget that feeling: "I am less than a business"

In a city as progressive as Los Angeles, this man walked away without so much as a finger tap on the wrist. 

There is great value to reporting abuse, and I wouldn't have changed a thing. It was tough as shit having to face someone I barely knew who devalued me - strong, independent me - in such a way. I cried and shook like crazy in the rooms. They say esteem-able acts give you self-esteem, and facing him gave me my self-esteem back. It was a significant part of the healing process for me and has shaped me into the woman I am today.

So, yah, when I see how the Supreme Court and the NFL value corporations, profit, and animal violence OVER women, I'm angered. I'm sad. I feel betrayed and I lose faith in my country. But I don't lose faith in women. So I write. I share at recovery groups, I continue to do what feels like healing for me. And I find great strength in my community. We will get there, ladies. We will.

The People of Chipotle

As a connoisseur of authentic Americanized Mexican fast-casual cuisine, Chipotle ranks pretty high on my daily list of things to do.  Situated one block from my apartment and next door to the cafe from which I do all my Buzz Feed reading...I mean work...a weekly excavation of my purse contents would reveal several Smackers lip glosses circa '97 and no less than 8-10 receipts for a burrito bowl with guacamole, sans the beans (I'm a damn lady).  Joe from @ChipotleTweets and I have had many a debate about whether or not sofritas should automatically come with guacamole (it's just soybeans in marshmallow form - it should).  My fiancé would quantify me as an addict, and he would probably set some sort of healthy boundary around my obsession if it weren't for the fact that at $6.81 per meal, we can now afford grown up things like health insurance and toothpaste without sparkles.  (I'm talking to you junior Crest; pretty sure you're just candy gel).

I can't say I'm alone in my Chipotle obsession.  Upon my travels to and from "The Le", I've taken stock of the range of folk that frequent this dining establishment.  It's scary.  Unlike the fast food chains of yore, Chipotle attracts a relatively broad, unpredictable crowd.  Some are there for a quick lunch meeting, others for post-workout nosh, and then there are the rare, special few who still pronounce it Chi-pot-llllll. 

F***ing vagabonds.  

In a hyper conscious, penny-pinching, criticism-avoiding, germ-fearing era that we call 2014, allow me to break down the People of Chipotle as non-PC as possible.

                                               (me with my Chipotle receipts for the week)

THE VIRGIN

In LA, there are more Chipotles than Chuck Lorre sitcoms.  It's an eleven billion dollar company, has a documentary on Netflix, and yet, there are seriously still people out there who have never been.  Make no mistake, these people should be feared.  The first-time Chipotle customer is an unruly beast, who typically relies heavily upon his or her friend for guidance as if everyone is speaking Russian - and that's a best case scenario.  Worst case: a newbie will disregard the gigantic line out the door and head straight to the cashier to try to place an order.  Once redirected, he or she mulls over the 4 menu items like it's Sophie's Choice.  Then, they order everything.  Choice of meat?  "Chicken, steak, carnitas, guacamole and chips".  They are usually surprised as hell when their total is $119.87.  The surprise quickly turns to anger and a request to speak to a manager.  No, chips don't come with your order.  This isn't Baja Fresh.

THE EXPERT

Quesaritos, nachos, and burritodillas are the dietary staples of a Chipotle Expert.  This person, usually a male college or high-school student, knows all the off-hours and secret menu items of Chipotle.  He has the app, a half-typed tweet to Joe ready to send after purchasing, and a follow-up Instagram of his burrito, which usually has every ingredient in it.  He correctly calls the grilled veggies "fajitas" and often speaks his order in one word sentences.  "Bowl.  Pinto.  Guac."  He eats insanely fast and usually heads out to do bro things afterwards like buy hoodies and wear Converse with suits.

THE FREE-LOADER

One could argue that you first have to reach Expert status to free-load at the Olympic level in Chipotle.  I say you just have to be a cheap bastard.  Free-loaders are the ones in your group of friends who never account for the tax when you split a restaurant bill.  Often disguised as successful adults well-passed "broke college student" status, these people almost always order a kids meal.  Then, they bargain with the cheerful bean-scooper for additional sides.  They feel entitled to two full scoops of meat and guacamole without the spoon hit (Experts, you know what I'm talking about).  These punks also wait until the very end to correct any mistake made on their order.  And, if a tortilla happens to split trying to contain the quadruple beans, double cheese, triple pico, and pound of corn, they have no problem requesting it be tossed and another children's quesadilla be made again from scratch.

THE TOTALLY GROSS BURRITO-ORDERER

I once witnessed a girl order a 2-tortilla burrito with just a half a scoop of black beans, double cheese, and double sour cream.  She then asked for additional sour cream on the side.  She was dressed head to toe in Lululemon.  These people are a total anomaly and a threat to society.

THE CONDIMENT STEALER

This person always has the only bottle of chipotle tabasco sauce at his or her table.  I hate this person.

THE DIETER

It's amazing how hunger can suddenly make people forgot how to order like a human.  Similar to The Virgin, Dieters question everything.  "Which farm is it from?  Is it really organic?  Will my kid have a feeling after eating this?!"  They bark orders like, "Just a little beans.  NOOOOOOOOOO!!!  That's too much!!!!  GOD!!!"  Then they watch the shamed employee hand pick out and trash each bean to The Dieter's satisfaction.  They always ask if Chipotle is serving fish yet.  Look down.  Is it there???  At the cashier, they question if they can get a special deal because they aren't eating cheese, corn, sour cream, meat, or wheat flour tortillas  They are usually successful.  These people can be easily spotted because they tend to have several small sullen-faced or horribly bratty children with them and will usually be standing on tip toe, leaning their entire body weight over the glass monitoring everything, except their kids.

What other species of Chipotle People have you discovered?


by Erin Stegeman

My 7 Successful Acting Tips for Booking Work

1.  Send in your work resume instead of your acting resume (booked my first professional theater company by doing this on accident and did several shows with them.  Even won an award)

2.  Submit outside of your race (first paying on camera gig was for a black or latina woman)

3.  Declare that you are no longer acting...and mean it.  (I booked a pilot, a film for CAA, a web series, and a lead in a movie this way.  And I never auditioned for any of these either)

4.  Don't audition (see above).  90% of my bookings, I've not auditioned for

5.  If you do audition, perform to the wall instead of the camera.  Booked 4 commercials off one audition doing this.  Also, show up in completely inappropriate wardrobe and face plant.  That worked as well.

6.  Whatever the audition/role, do it in a Southern dialect.  On a whim, I did this for an audition, which I didn't book or get a callback for (see #4), but someone in the room called me months later and I ended up doing 3 features with this person.  A British or Irish dialect will also probably do.  DO NOT do a Russian accent while eating a piece of celery - that got me nowhere.

7.  Date someone who produces movies.  And with that I invite you to come to the World Premiere of ROADSIDE on March 2nd, which I'm in.  Produced by Ace Marrero.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HpddoSak0AQ - catch the trailer here!!

Life Lessons from the ID Channel Part 1

Watching a marathon of Mystery Detectives has taught me 3 things: 

1. Never live in a small, quaint town. 

2. Don't write someone else's name or leave someone else's ID at the scene of your crime. It just screams you're trying too hard.

AND..

3. The Hurry Cane may be the greatest invention ever, and if you order within the next 5 minutes, you will get a second one FREE.

50 Shades of Read/How to Avoid Real Work

In an effort to make all my holiday Starbucks lattes tax-deductible, I have decided to blog about my new favorite Christmas gift (by way of my boyfriend's mom):  a paperback of Fifty Shades of Grey.

Being a person who hops on the bandwagon only after my mom and twelve-year-old clients are waving me to come over, my knowledge of this book is as follows...


1.  This is some sort of Twilight-based amateur porn for housewives

2.  Every asshole in hollywood is currently taking any and all measures possible be Anastasia or Christian, yet all are denying knowing anything about book, characters, or even what an audition is.

Because I'm told it's made of crack, and I have nothing to do until 2013, I imagine this blog should last three, maybe four days max*.  Any longer and I'll give all my 13 subscribers permission to unfollow me.

Have you read this book?




*please note, Erin had full intentions of documenting this literary journey with great hilarity, but alas, she couldn't make it past page 33.

What I've Stooped to to Get Famous

This.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLQgeo6Kjeg

Feel free to share, dislike, and leave as many sexually explicit comments as possible.  I need hits.

Hospitals are Great Fun

There's nothing quite as fun as contracting a mysterious illness after traveling to a 3rd world country.

After three weeks of alternating between puking, abdominal pain, high fever, and watching the FRIENDS finale thrice, I finally decided it was time to check myself into the ER.  Sure I had only spent $50 of my $4,000 deductible, but I'd figure a little appendectomy might get me some swanky gifts and I'd finally lose those last 5 pounds.

Five days later....no diagnosis.

What's now being called, "I'm pretty sure this is a virus you contracted in Colombia.  Pretty sure.  Come in for a follow up in 2 weeks just in case.  Everything's fine.  It's just...in case."  was nothing short of an adventure.  Between the daily 5am blood drawings, my IV ceasing to work right before my procedure, and my boyfriend's continued shouts of "this is all for the blog, hun!", I somehow mustered through.  And yes, my triumph over a single-celled virus has manifested as another list pertaining to bodily fluids.

Things you Never Want to EVER hear While You're in the Hospital.

1.  We're confused.  It's just not behaving like anything typical of anything.  We don't know what this is.

2.   ME (calling room service to order food):  "Hi I'm in room 415..." 

      THEM (evil chefs): "Ah yes, Miss Stegeman, we have you marked for a liquids only diet".  

      5 Days later...

      ME (less chipper):   "Hi...I'm...in room 415...starving..." 

      THEM (evil chefs): "Ah yes, Miss Stegeman, we still have you marked for a liquids only diet.  Would you like the vegetable broth again today?"

3.  (during my colonoscopy)  

     DOC:  ...no, I've switched OBGYN's.  I'm with Dr. Hassel now

     NURSE:  Oh, yes I heard he's great.

     DOC:  He is.  We're really happy...uh oh, Erin?  Oops, I think she's awake.

4.  "Hi, I'm here to give you a rectal exam." 

Please note, my intent with this photo is to get the same attention/hits/morning show appearances as that incredibly photogenic girl with emphysema and that marathon runner guy.

Never Ever, EVER Go Whale Watching.

It started out hopeful - I had won 2 free passes to go catch some whales before they migrate north.  What an extremely romantic and cheap date!  So, I surprised my boyfriend and headed down to the Redondo Pier.  I was told to dress warm because it can get chilly.  So I put on what my boyfriend referred to as "Alaskan hunting gear" and embraced the layer of sweat forming from the 85 degree weather.

Our boat looked like it had seen much better days, and by better days I'm referring to when its wood was a tree.  If whales are as big as they say, one flick of the tale would surely knock us all over, leaving us ready for whatever lies beneath.

"This morning we had a baby whale follow us for over an hour!" Exclaims the excited Captain.  He is almost fifteen years old, I'm certain, but I'm slightly delirious from the dehydration so I can't help but catch his enthusiasm.  And I brought snacks, so I won't get crabby.

4 hours later, NO WHALE.  And somehow I managed to get sunburned on the 3 inches of my body that weren't covered in under armor.

What I did Observe Though...

1.  A seagull pooped on the ship while flying over us.  This was the most photographed event of the day.

2.  Using The Secret to cure seasickness is ineffective.  Oh, and you can be continuously nauseous for 4 hours straight.

3. There are MANY ways to vomit.  Here are a select few I have categorized from my excursion.

ZEN UPCHUCK
It's performed calmly into a CVS or Walgreens plastic bag.  Proceed to act as if nothing just happened.

THE RETCHING CHORUS
When you have the fortune of hearing several extremely vocal pukers go at once

THE YACK ATTACK
When the young girl next to you projectile vomits off the top of the boat right onto someone below.  And as she's told to go to the lower deck to "puke off the side", she continues to vomit-attack completely unaware bystanders while hobbling down the steps.

PROCRASTIN-PUKE
This is the sap who almost gets to the bathroom but just can't hold it in.  A mop, bucket, and surly look from the crew always follow.

THE EARL OF THE HURL
This is the asshole who cannot handle being sick what-so-ever.  This man usually starts a fight with the crew, complete with rampant f-bombs in front of his 17 children.  He threatens the livelihood of the crew, the crew's family, and somehow believes he has the power to turn the boat around, thus inciting an awkward apology over the PA System from the prepubescent Captain.

This is My Child

Not actually, but this is exactly whom I imagine my future daughter to be. Now, I'm quite aware that at her tender age of what - 5?- she's got far more swagger in this photo, than I'll ever...ok I'm not even sure what swagger is - I think only hip hop moguls, the little girl in this GAP ad, and Cher Llyod can truly achieve it.  Not white girls from Missouri. But what are children for if not to live out our unyielded potential?

Thank you, Diane Von Furstenberg, for reminding me of my failed attempt at cool at age 5. Add that to the list of beauty pageant contestant, prima ballerina, ethnic musical prodigy, beauty pageant winner, you tube sensation endorsed by Ellen, and beauty pageant retiree by age 9. I was too busy not selling Girl Scout cookies and figuring out how to draw a damn star without doing the 2 triangles. And although I'm still neither rich, famous, or cool - I have faith that my children will be, and it will all be documented by Bravo.

This is What Made Me Excited for a Week

Perhaps I've been living in LA too long, but it never occurred to me as out-of-norm to walk around town with a giant coconut and straw in hand. It wasn't until my mom came to town, and, after a trip to the market where coconuts are effortlessly hacked open by tiny women you would never want to cross, my mom reached for her camera, called me "too odd" and exclaimed, "The ladies back home won't believe this."

I like coconut water to be raw and fresh, like me (i hear my sister's laughter suddenly). Nutrient preservation aside, that other stuff tastes like cardboard. And yes, I do feel guilty about the fact that i don't eat the meat, even though I paid $4 for 8oz of "water". So you can imagine my excitement and my forearm's relief when I saw the 100% Raw Coconut Water from HARMLESS HARVEST. Surprisingly, it's only $2.50 a bottle at Whole Making-Healthy-Foods-Available-for-all-Rich-People Foods. And, it can actually fit into your purse, unlike my 5lb counterpart.

This is for you, Jane: The Queen of Nonsense

On the left is my sister, Katie, the Giant.

I debated whether or not to put this on my blog. After all, it’s meant to be filled with endearingly comedic anecdotes and sassy ramblings on nonsense, not painful realities of loss. But to not speak of someone I loved so deeply, that would be a disservice, because that’s who my grandma was – endearing and comedic. She often addressed waitstaff as “Honey” and, if she ordered buffalo chicken, she’d inevitably spark a debate with the server and the entire table over wings versus drummies. She was a Miss Budweiser first runner-up in the 1940s. She enjoyed cooking so much that we never had the heart to tell her the Thanksgiving turkey was usually dry. She gave me a bag of edamame once when she found out I was vegan for a hot second (pictured). She had just heard of it from her local grocer and thought I’d know what to do.

I’d like to think that’s where I get it. Together, Jane and I were a couple of kooks. We both were given the gift of ignoring street smarts. We share a love of good deals we’ll never use, dislike mean people, and put a family ballpark dinner on par with dining at Jean Georges as George Clooney’s arm candy.

My Grandma went out in serious style. She notoriously loved pink, so we all wore it to her wake and funeral, scaring the other mourning families nearby. During the priest’s homily he mentioned White Castle burgers (my grandma’s favorite) and the electricity flickered on and off several times. Her wake was 7 hours long with a line wrapped around the building ala Six Flags, people waiting nearly 2 hours just to pay their respects. And, like a true Catholic, her memorial was at an Irish Pub she loved – this swell of German-Americans wearing black and hot pink toasted Budweisers and ate buffalo wings in her honor, scaring the other patrons nearby.

Jane Weis was not a rock star, or a famous actor, nor was she a scientist, lawyer, or math whiz (the one time she checked my math homework, my teacher asked me if something had happened because it was “just confusing”). She didn’t belong in those fields. Jane Weis had this incredible gift to love others and remember every detail about you. And so, grandma is who she became - a fitting job for a woman with a big heart and an infectious laugh. And that was more than enough for her.

Like many others, I doubt my grandma ever read my blog. I don’t think she believed in technology unless it was a singing, light-up Christmas decoration. That stuff didn’t matter to her. “Do you know your neighbor’s name, Erin?” She’d always ask me when I’d visit. And when I’d be forced to admit “No”, she’d reply with the wisdom only a grandma has, “That’s a real shame.”

She was one hell of a woman. She loved to laugh and make others laugh, mostly unintentionally. I can only hope to do the same.

She was and will always be the light of my life and countless others.

Give ‘em hell, Granny.

You Know You Need to Make More Friends When...

Chain Restaurant Employees Break Up with You.

It's a casual Tuesday afternoon and I've perfectly timed my stop at Chipotle - just after the lunch rush but right before I pass out from low blood sugar. I get my usual whatever-diet-I'm-into-at-the-moment burrito bowl with the last $3.57 on my X-mas Chipotle gift card (I should mention that I bought that card myself). As the balance hits a sad zero, Ashley (pictured), who teases me with the occasional free guacamole, tells me she's transferring to another location.

I know deep down it's for the best. She drives over an hour to get here and she’s in her second trimester (It’s a girl which makes her husband happy but she was hoping for a boy). And, if I'm being honest with myself, this was a rebound relationship.

Before Chipotle opened their Brentwood location, it was a Baja Fresh. As a connoisseur of authentic Americanized Mexican midrange food chains, I probably went there more than necessary. Their $1.69 pronto guac kept me alive for a good chunk of 2009. It wasn’t until they closed down (most likely due to my low carb diet) when a withdrawal binge sent me to the Sherman Oaks Baja for a taco fix. I was greeted by a familiar-looking gentlemen who took my order and proclaimed, “Hey, it’s the Brentwood Lady!"

I need to get out more.

Alas, It's been a fond 2 months with Ashley - her freaking the customers out by pretending I'm Emma Stone - it made me feel famous and we all know there’s no better feeling than that. As I request that she toss my empty gift card, she assures me that she’ll be at the Chipotle in Culver City, which is just 2 exits away. I grin and am sincere in my promise to keep in touch, but we all know how long distance relationships go.

What food and beverage significant others do you have?

SWAG or The True Meaning of Sundance

Ah, Sundance. A time for independent filmmakers to humbly cast celebrities as day players and share it with the REAL artistic community - you know, the ones who were comped $2000 passes from the studios.

Feeling uptight at the fact that 4 of the 8 films I saw already had distribution deals, I decided to get back in touch with my motives for traveling 21 hours to this cozy mountain town - SWAG. And not just the water bottles and chap sticks of yesteryear...Oh no, my friends, we're talking Timberland Snow Boots (spring '12 - Pink), orthodic running shoes, $250 gift certificates to jewelry stores, free massages, scarves, hats, gloves, and a Starbucks gift card- just for saying whether or not I noticed if Bing was a sponsor of Sundance (I was asked this literally in front of the Bing Bar).

I already own an entire winter wardrobe, and I live in LA. Yet, there's something in the air that makes you say, "I need this shit". And EVERYONE does it. One of the volunteers stole a lightbulb Timberland was using for eco photo-ops. I saw 2 celebs smooth-talking the sales rep just for a bottle of olive oil. It wasn't even a full bottle. It was damn tasty though, and I can now make dressing for a year.

Here is an actual List of the SWAG that fit in my car

6 Glacier water bottles
10 Sundance Nalgene bottles (same exact color and style of the 10 I grabbed last year, but these said 2012 instead of 2011 so...)
1 pair of knee high Pink Timberland Snow Boots (great to have for the snowstorms in LA)
2 Ski hats with mustaches attached (Bin Laden Brown and Mustard Yellow)
2 Timberland scarves in wash-everyone-out beige
T-shirt from the film I hated
4,359 chap sticks
$250 gift certificate to jewelry that starts at $500
$50 gift certificate to custom made jeans that start at $250
1 pair of purple gloves with the words YAHOO all over them
3 body lotions made from the hands of the Slamdance filmmakers
6 bottles of coconut water that taste like cardboard and pho's redheaded step child
Ryka Running shoes (no snarky comment here, they're amazing)
7 buttons for films I never saw and 2 for Occupy Sundance
6 mini bottles of olive oil in flavors of wheatgrass, lemon, tandori, butter, basil, and olive oil
267 items that I have yet to identify

How to Name Your Celebrity Baby

Does your currently famous/infamous baby lack irony? Is he or she at risk for Typical Childhood Experience? Have no fear, after 12 minutes of watching E! News, I have created your Step-by-Step Guide to naming your Celebrity Baby. It makes choosing a name almost as easy as the C-section delivery!

1. Have your assistant/parole officer write down the names of everyone you know who is older than 80. Please include the entire cast of the Golden Girls. Others will see this as a touching tribute to your beloved nana or papi, but you know that Old People names are extremely ironic.

2. Go to Lowes, Home Depot, or Restoration Hardware and head straight for the paint section. Take a couple of sample cards for reference. You should also be aware that Lowes, Home Depot, and Restoration Hardware are also suitable names for Celebrity Babies.

3. If you’re still stuck, standard go-to’s are produce, sidekick characters in popular children’s novels (especially if they’re named after a plant, state of being, or celestial object), and foreign language terms for plants, states of being, and celestial objects.

What's Your Celebrity Baby's Name?

Having the Plague Has Taught Me 2 Things

1. I would so kick ass on the Price is Right.

2. Hallmark needs to eliminate their "Get Well Soon" line of cards and invest in a "Homeopathic Remedies You Should Have Used, Moron" line. Because seriously, that's all I got whenever I mentioned to anyone that I wasn't feeling well.